Hey, Y\u00e2\u20ac\u2122all!\u00c2\u00a0 I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m back, and since things have been doing that thing that they do (you know, happening), of course I have news.\u00c2\u00a0 The biggest news of late is that I am unemployed.<\/p>\n
Yep.<\/p>\n
Exactly 3 weeks ago I sat down in a tiny office with my manager, an HR representative, and a complimentary pack of Kleenex and bottle of water, to be told that my company was downsizing and there would no longer be a place for me within it.<\/p>\n
All in all, it ain\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t been so bad (but talk to me in a few months, when my severance runs out).\u00c2\u00a0 I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m in good company (a lot of fantastic people also got let go), I have had wonderful support, and\u00c2\u00a0 I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve already got a little daily routine worked out:<\/p>\n
\u00c2\u00a0Wake up at 6:45.<\/p>\n
Coffee and online job searching from 7:00-8:00.<\/p>\n
Baby (well, OK, more like toddler-going-on-adolescent boy) wake-up time sometime around 7:45-8:00.<\/p>\n
Day-care drop-off from 8:15-8:30<\/p>\n
(Note: Latter two agenda items are subject to time change if I elect to walk the baby the 3-mile round trip to day care instead of driving him.)<\/p>\n
Shower between 8:30 and 9:00<\/p>\n
More job-hunting, more coffee, breakfast and lunch and Facebook putzing all scrunched between 9:00 and 1:00<\/p>\n
And then, as a reward for sending off at least 2-3 job applications per morning, I spend each afternoon cleaning.<\/p>\n
Yes, cleaning.\u00c2\u00a0 As a reward.\u00c2\u00a0 I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m a little odd that way.\u00c2\u00a0 In fact, I also have a weekly cleaning schedule, but because (a) in the three weeks since I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been laid off, I have yet to actually adhere to the schedule, and (b) I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d like for people to keep reading this blog, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll spare you the details.<\/p>\n
Anyway, where was I?\u00c2\u00a0 Oh, yes.\u00c2\u00a0 Jobless.\u00c2\u00a0 So I guess this is what they call a turning point, when you look deep within yourself, take stock of your life, and move forward with some kind of greater knowledge about something.<\/p>\n
Huh.<\/p>\n
Well, then.<\/p>\n
THINGS I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122VE LEARNED SO FAR FROM BEING UNEMPLOYED:<\/p>\n
1.\u00c2\u00a0 Aside from the whole concern about finances, I like staying at home.\u00c2\u00a0<\/p>\n
I could totally be a housewife.\u00c2\u00a0 Pathetic, I know, but the satisfaction I get out of cleaning and preparing dinner for my little family is pretty yummy for me.\u00c2\u00a0 Of course, part of what affords me the opportunity to DO all of that cleaning and cooking is the fact that I am not a Stay-at-Home MOM; the kid still goes to day care, at least for now, so that he can keep his place, and so that I can have time to devote to my job hunt.\u00c2\u00a0 If he were around all the time, I wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t get anything done at all, except maybe brushing a hell of a lot of teeth, because he is really into tooth-brushing right now, and if he had his way we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d do it once every 20 minutes or so.<\/p>\n
2.\u00c2\u00a0 I apparently made an insane amount of money considering my skill level.<\/p>\n
Seriously, man\u00e2\u20ac\u201dI feel like so many jobs that are out there require what in my opinion are incredibly impressive skills, yet pay about half of what I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been making for my remedial ones; hence the title of this blog post.\u00c2\u00a0 Haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t quite figured out what I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m going to do about that, but I have, unfortunately, discovered that:<\/p>\n
3.\u00c2\u00a0 Songwriting is not a viable career path for me.<\/p>\n
I suppose I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve known for awhile that I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have much ingenuity when it comes to songwriting; usually I just make up alternate lyrics to existing tunes, and tend to have a limited selection at that– recurring tunes in my made-up-lyrics repertoire include the refrain from \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Jungle Fever\u00e2\u20ac\u009d, the tune from the \u00e2\u20ac\u0153My Buddy\u00e2\u20ac\u009d commercial jingle, and the chorus of \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Everybody Wants To Be a Cat\u00e2\u20ac\u009d from The Aristocats<\/em>.\u00c2\u00a0 Some tunes just lend themselves to a variety of alternate lyrics, y\u00e2\u20ac\u2122know?<\/p>\n And of course, having a baby has made it worse: the tune to the \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Woy yoy yoy, woy yoy-yoy yoy\u00e2\u20ac\u009d part of Bob Marley\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Buffalo Soldier\u00e2\u20ac\u009d has been repurposed for such lyrical gems as \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Stinky Little Feet,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d and \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Change the Baby\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s Pants\u00e2\u20ac\u009d (which mostly consist of a twice-repeated refrain, followed by a line about how the topic of the song is either loved by all or known by all\u00e2\u20ac\u201das in, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153everybody loves the baby\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s stinky little feet,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or \u00e2\u20ac\u0153everybody knows you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve got to change the baby\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s pants\u00e2\u20ac\u009d).<\/p>\n Now, sometimes, I do dream up new tunes in my sleep, and for the 8-10 seconds that I still remember the tune after I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve woken up, I convince myself that I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m damn good \u00e2\u20ac\u201c that I could really make a go of it as a songwriter.<\/p>\n Today, though.\u00c2\u00a0 Today, I have come to see the light, during my \u00e2\u20ac\u0153reward\u00e2\u20ac\u009d cleaning time, part of which I spent, er . . . I believe the euphemism is \u00e2\u20ac\u0153picking up after\u00e2\u20ac\u009d our three dogs.\u00c2\u00a0 During that time, I succeeded in making up THEEE crappiest (pun entirely intended) song of all time, complete with original tune AND lyrics.\u00c2\u00a0 I did not go as far as to dignify the song with an actual title, but let\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s just say that I spent the better part of an hour this afternoon belting out a little ditty I like to call, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve Got a Turd With Your Name On It\u00e2\u20ac\u009d . . . and leave it at that.<\/p>\n So there goes that dream.\u00c2\u00a0 Lesson learned.\u00c2\u00a0 And now on to . . .<\/p>\n THINGS I AM TRYING REALLY HARD NOT TO DO NOW THAT I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122M UNEMPLOYED:<\/p>\n 1.\u00c2\u00a0 Wear pajamas all day.\u00c2\u00a0<\/p>\n This one really isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t too hard so far; the most challenging part, really, is that so many of my clothes also function quite well as pajamas<\/em>, so I have been forced to draw some line of distinction.\u00c2\u00a0 To that end, I have enacted what I like to call the Crate and Barrel Standard: \u00c2\u00a0If I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d wear it to Crate and Barrel, it counts as \u00e2\u20ac\u0153getting dressed\u00e2\u20ac\u009d.\u00c2\u00a0 As to how I chose Crate and Barrel as the metric for this particular edict, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not sure.\u00c2\u00a0 I guess I was just looking for something somewhere between Wal-Mart and Neiman-Marcus on the decency-worthiness scale.\u00c2\u00a0 And that automatically ruled out anyplace with a pharmacy, because haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t we all gone to the pharmacy looking a little skanky at some point in our lives?\u00c2\u00a0 So I thought a halfway-decent specialty store, but one with cheap enough stuff that you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t feel compelled to wear every single pearl you own into the store just to prove to the salespeople that you can afford something there.\u00c2\u00a0 Hence the Crate and Barrel Standard was born, which essentially means that red velour Juicy Couture stretch pants are totally allowable during the day, but perpetually wrinkled red cotton Gap pajama pants that feature a pattern of dogs wearing scarves? \u00c2\u00a0Not so much.<\/p>\n 2.\u00c2\u00a0 Eat all day long.<\/p>\n This one is a little harder, since I have set up a little \u00e2\u20ac\u0153home office\u00e2\u20ac\u009d for myself in our dining room, which is RIGHT NEXT TO THE KITCHEN.\u00c2\u00a0 Where there is ice cream.\u00c2\u00a0 And bananas.\u00c2\u00a0 And LIFE cereal.\u00c2\u00a0 And leftover rosemary-roasted potatoes (and it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s admirable to eat leftovers, right?).\u00c2\u00a0 And all kinds of stuff you can smear with peanut butter.\u00c2\u00a0 So here\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s where the whole idea of making dinner every day comes in handy, see, because if I know there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s going to be, say, pot roast tonight, then I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll hold off on inhaling everything within a 20-foot radius during the day, with the idea that my yummy, gravy-coated reward will come at dinner time.<\/p>\n Then by dinnertime, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m so hungry that I stuff myself silly, and then I spend the rest of the evening hating myself.\u00c2\u00a0<\/p>\n Then I have ice cream.<\/p>\n 3.\u00c2\u00a0 Re-live my 8-hour high school phone-talking marathons.<\/p>\n This one is actually the hardest one, because during my life thus far as a working mother, I have basically ignored practically everyone with whom I do not share a residence or within<\/em> whom I did not once reside.\u00c2\u00a0 And even some of THOSE people got short shrift every once in awhile.\u00c2\u00a0 So I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve spent the last year and a half feeling really guilty about being a really bad friend to a whole lotta people.\u00c2\u00a0 Sure, there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s Facebook, which sort of allows you to both let people know you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re alive, and acknowledge the living-breathing status of others in roughly 60 words or less, but it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not really the same as TALKING, is it?\u00c2\u00a0 So now that a whole lotta people (who apparently forgive me for being a bad friend ) are calling to see how I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m doing, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s incredibly easy to fritter away a whole day just . . . talking.\u00c2\u00a0 I suppose I could argue that it counts as \u00e2\u20ac\u0153networking\u00e2\u20ac\u009d, but if the person already knows, loves, and wants to help you, AND if you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re talking about things like cellulite, potty training and your failed attempts at songwriting, does it really . . . ?\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0<\/p>\n THINGS I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122M ESCHEWING WITHOUT MUCH EFFORT:<\/p>\n 1.\u00c2\u00a0 Deodorant.<\/p>\n I know.\u00c2\u00a0 You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d think that this one would fall under the Crate and Barrel Standard, wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t you?\u00c2\u00a0 But quite frankly, my relationship with deodorant has always been characterized by some ambivalence.\u00c2\u00a0 I get those painful armpit lumps, and the icky buildup makes it hard to shave . . . I guess this is one area of my life where I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m OK letting the stinky little adolescent hippy boy who lives inside my soul have a small victory (but I draw the line at rolling in patchouli in lieu of a bath).\u00c2\u00a0 And I gotta let myself off the hook on SOMETHING, right, or where\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the fun in being unemployed?\u00c2\u00a0 \u00c2\u00a0One other discovery that has resulted from my unemployment, however, is the irony of the fact that really, it would have been much easier to go without deodorant when I was actually WORKING.\u00c2\u00a0 I visited my old office last week, to bring birthday goodies to a friend still employed there, and was caught completely off guard by the number of ex-coworkers who suddenly felt the need to HUG me and my stink-proud self.\u00c2\u00a0 I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sure more than one of them walked away thinking, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Phew-WEE, I think I know why they let HER go . . . \u00e2\u20ac\u0153<\/p>\n 2.\u00c2\u00a0 Daytime television.<\/p>\n Ever since we had a kid, we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been trying to avoid gratuitous TV watching, but I always sort of thought that, given the chance, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d fall off the wagon like a meth addict behind a pharmacy counter.\u00c2\u00a0 Turns out I haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t.\u00c2\u00a0 Of course, the fear of running out of money before I find a job is a definite impetus to stay away from the remote, but DUDE.\u00c2\u00a0 So is daytime television.\u00c2\u00a0 I swear, if I hear one more crabby judge yell, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153What were you THINKING?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d at a hair-gel-encrusted plaintiff (whose angry ex-girlfriend ran over his dog on a bicycle and then refused to pay the vet bill), I will try meth my damn self.<\/p>\n 3.\u00c2\u00a0 Bitterness.<\/p>\n I had a great job.\u00c2\u00a0 Now I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t.\u00c2\u00a0 It kinda sucks.\u00c2\u00a0 But really, what is there to do but keep on keepin\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 on?\u00c2\u00a0 (For the record, I know that \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve Got a Turd With Your Name On It\u00e2\u20ac\u009d certainly SOUNDS like it denotes some sort of vengeance plan against my former employer, but I assure you, it ain\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t the case\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthe song is just not that good.)\u00c2\u00a0 Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t get me wrong\u00e2\u20ac\u201dI\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not some Pollyanna-wannabe who thinks that there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a ray of sunshine to be found behind every cloud (for example, I find absolutely no good in people causing pain to puppies).\u00c2\u00a0 In this case, however, I genuinely do not see the point of wasting energy on any ill will toward anyone, especially since I really don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t feel any, so why manufacture it?\u00c2\u00a0 As one friend put it, how often do you get the gift of a few months off with pay to get your shit together?\u00c2\u00a0 So here I am, holding in my hands the gift of time and opportunity, and ready to open up this box.\u00c2\u00a0 Wish me luck!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Hey, Y\u00e2\u20ac\u2122all!\u00c2\u00a0 I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m back, and since things have been doing that thing that they do (you know, happening), of course I have news.\u00c2\u00a0 The biggest news of late is that I am unemployed. Yep. Exactly 3 weeks ago I sat down in a tiny office with my manager, an HR representative, and a complimentary pack … <\/p>\n